My Journey; the beginning

There isn't exactly a moment where i can pin-point when my anorexia started. I can remember being a young, healthy girl and enjoying life but there was always a part of me that considered myself as 'fat' and larger than all the other girls around me. I was jealous of their stick thin legs and skinny tummies and i always felt like i was the bigger one amongst them all. Looking back i realise that i wasn't; i was a healthy sized girl although i failed to see this at the time.

All my life i have been tall and lean - so why did i feel the need to lose more weight?

I really struggle to think back to when it all started but i think it was when i turned 15 and i suddenly realised that i was now becoming a woman. I realised that now i should take care of my body and be conscious of what i put in it. It started out as a healthy eating lifestyle but turned into a compulsive and obsessive monster.

Having all my friends around me talking about the latest diet they are on or how they are trying to lose a few pounds before holiday really didn't help either; in fact it triggered me further and further. They were all getting compliments about how 'skinny' they looked and how perfect they were and i wasn't, was i jealous? I'm not usually a jealous person but maybe this was something that Ana wanted people to notice about me. 

I think i was also subconsciously heavily influenced by the media although at the time i was in complete denial about this being the trigger point. I love fashion so i was constantly emerged in images of skinny models and clothes that only fit certain sizes in every magazine and every page. The power of photoshop is mightier than anything. I made myself believe that this was beautiful and that i wouldn't be happy unless i was as skinny as them. This is in fact the complete opposite - i am absolutely miserable now, it hasn't made me happy at all. It has turned me into a complete calorie-counting, food-fearing monster. This isn't me? I hate what food turns me into. I get angry all the time, i cry, i shout, i throw it away. I really try my best to see the positives in recovery but at times i fail to see them. I desperately want to get back to where i was but i don't want to gain weight - where is the logic there? 

The only  way i will ever get better is if i eat and nourish my body with nutritious food. Every mouthful and plate that we eat is a step towards recovering and this is something that i know is really hard to accept. We may never be truly recovered- the voices may always be there secretly in your head - but we need to learn that we are so much better than what our mind is telling us to do. WE have to be in control of our future, our eating disorder cannot control us anymore.  

So as you can tell my anorexia was a result of many different things and there are some other things which i have yet to mention (but this post is getting quite long!) and i may not have seen the start but i sure can hopefully see the end - a happier, healthy me who is stronger than ever and ready to love life again.