Good Day Goes Bad...

This morning one of the members of i2i came over for breakfast and it was so scary! She sat with me and made me eat ALL of my brekkie - couldn't leave anything which absolutely terrified me. We talked about the whole milk situation and she gave me some really good advice - the milk is actually 96% fat free! Thinking of it as full fat is so misconceiving and that is what freaked me out and guess what?? I FINISHED THE WHOLE PINT TODAY!! I had 200ml in my cereal, 300ml in my evening milkshake and then put the rest in my cup of tea. It was so hard but I'm proud I did it.

So my morning started off well but the rest of the day didn't go quite as well... 

I had my meeting with cahms and I have put on a little bit of weight but this could have been due to the fact that I kind of water weighted before I went:/ But still, it was good news because I have been losing for the past couple of weeks. We upped my meal plan and did a bit of therapy but when i got home I just completely broke down.

It's fear food friday so I thought i would challenge myself but I'm obviously not as strong as I thought. I went for baked beans on toast with an egg but everything went wrong whilst I was making it and when I sat down to eat, I just burst out into tears. I was getting so angry and shouting and screaming over this food - who is this person? This isn't me! I never get angry and anorexia brings out a side of me that I hate but can't control. My dad got so angry, he just threw it out but then I got even more hysterical; why would I eat another dinner when I already started this one? I ran outside and sat on the bench to cool down and my dad came out to talk to me. After he left my mum did the same and I had good long chats with them about how I feel so guilty for making their lives miserable and I feel like such a shit daughter most of the time. I eventually came back inside but I really had no appetite so I just had a big bowl of cereal and then made my milkshake. 

So my evening wasn't too great but tomorrow is a new day and I can start afresh and ready to face all the challenges that come my way.