Good Day Goes Bad...

This morning one of the members of i2i came over for breakfast and it was so scary! She sat with me and made me eat ALL of my brekkie - couldn't leave anything which absolutely terrified me. We talked about the whole milk situation and she gave me some really good advice - the milk is actually 96% fat free! Thinking of it as full fat is so misconceiving and that is what freaked me out and guess what?? I FINISHED THE WHOLE PINT TODAY!! I had 200ml in my cereal, 300ml in my evening milkshake and then put the rest in my cup of tea. It was so hard but I'm proud I did it.

So my morning started off well but the rest of the day didn't go quite as well... 

I had my meeting with cahms and I have put on a little bit of weight but this could have been due to the fact that I kind of water weighted before I went:/ But still, it was good news because I have been losing for the past couple of weeks. We upped my meal plan and did a bit of therapy but when i got home I just completely broke down.

It's fear food friday so I thought i would challenge myself but I'm obviously not as strong as I thought. I went for baked beans on toast with an egg but everything went wrong whilst I was making it and when I sat down to eat, I just burst out into tears. I was getting so angry and shouting and screaming over this food - who is this person? This isn't me! I never get angry and anorexia brings out a side of me that I hate but can't control. My dad got so angry, he just threw it out but then I got even more hysterical; why would I eat another dinner when I already started this one? I ran outside and sat on the bench to cool down and my dad came out to talk to me. After he left my mum did the same and I had good long chats with them about how I feel so guilty for making their lives miserable and I feel like such a shit daughter most of the time. I eventually came back inside but I really had no appetite so I just had a big bowl of cereal and then made my milkshake. 

So my evening wasn't too great but tomorrow is a new day and I can start afresh and ready to face all the challenges that come my way. 

For the past week or so I really feel like I have hit a wall in recovery and nothing seems to being going well:( I am trying so hard but a part of me is still subconsciously restricting and thats not what recovery is about! I just can't seem to bring myself to challenge the voices in my head and eat foods that I'm really not comfortable with... I have a list of 'fear foods' that since my ed started, I am absolutely terrified of:

• cream
• chocolate
• pancakes
• full fat milk (which I now have to drink a pint of a day!! Ahhh!)
• cake
• sweets
• donuts
• pastries
• ice cream
• maple syrup
• oil
• lattes
• tea with milk (almost conquered this fear!)
• macaroni cheese
• pizza
• chicken nuggets
• butter
• fries
• and sauces 
• liquid calories (fizzy drinks, juices, etc)
• any fried food

As you can see it is quite a long list but it is mainly unhealthy foods! I'm just freaked out by anything 'fatty' or 'greasy' and right now it is quite a limited range of what I feel i can eat (although this is also because of my meal plan).

I really want to start challenging myself a bit more so I need your help! What food do you think I should try and conquer next? Feel free to join in with me as well!! 

What do we have to live for?

Yesterday I had my CAHMS appointment with the doctor and my physchiatrist and lets just say it didn't go too well... My weight has gone down again (it hasn't actually gone up since being in recovery) and they really want to put me in hospital but given my current situation with my exams that just isn't an option for me right now. They also told me that I can't go on holiday this summer and my family had already booked a 14 day trip touring around Sri Lanka and the Maldives which I was looking forward to soo much. I feel so guilty about not being able to go but they said my heart wouldn't be able to cope with the flight and it's just too risky right now. 
The holiday was one of my main reasons for recovery and it really got me thinking - what's the point in trying if what I do is never good enough? I was getting so negative about it but I just needed a long talk with my parents and a good cry to come around to my senses again. I have SO much to live for and I didn't even realise. 
So the point of this post is to get you thinking about what you have to live/recover for. Here are just some of my reasons and hopefully they inspire you to think of some of your own! 

• prom at the end of June
• a trip to London in a few weeks
• to be able to go out for meals with my friends
• to be able to see my family everyday
• to go to concerts/festivals
• to meet new people
• to make new memories
• to make my parents proud
• to find myself again
• feeling joy in life again
• to be able to exercise 
• to go to college next year
• to not be cold all the time
• to grow my hair back fully
• to be able to eat all the foods i want
• to not be afraid of living
• getting rid of that guilty feeling after meals
• to be able to look back in 20 years and say, "I did it"

My Journey; the beginning

There isn't exactly a moment where i can pin-point when my anorexia started. I can remember being a young, healthy girl and enjoying life but there was always a part of me that considered myself as 'fat' and larger than all the other girls around me. I was jealous of their stick thin legs and skinny tummies and i always felt like i was the bigger one amongst them all. Looking back i realise that i wasn't; i was a healthy sized girl although i failed to see this at the time.

All my life i have been tall and lean - so why did i feel the need to lose more weight?

I really struggle to think back to when it all started but i think it was when i turned 15 and i suddenly realised that i was now becoming a woman. I realised that now i should take care of my body and be conscious of what i put in it. It started out as a healthy eating lifestyle but turned into a compulsive and obsessive monster.

Having all my friends around me talking about the latest diet they are on or how they are trying to lose a few pounds before holiday really didn't help either; in fact it triggered me further and further. They were all getting compliments about how 'skinny' they looked and how perfect they were and i wasn't, was i jealous? I'm not usually a jealous person but maybe this was something that Ana wanted people to notice about me. 

I think i was also subconsciously heavily influenced by the media although at the time i was in complete denial about this being the trigger point. I love fashion so i was constantly emerged in images of skinny models and clothes that only fit certain sizes in every magazine and every page. The power of photoshop is mightier than anything. I made myself believe that this was beautiful and that i wouldn't be happy unless i was as skinny as them. This is in fact the complete opposite - i am absolutely miserable now, it hasn't made me happy at all. It has turned me into a complete calorie-counting, food-fearing monster. This isn't me? I hate what food turns me into. I get angry all the time, i cry, i shout, i throw it away. I really try my best to see the positives in recovery but at times i fail to see them. I desperately want to get back to where i was but i don't want to gain weight - where is the logic there? 

The only  way i will ever get better is if i eat and nourish my body with nutritious food. Every mouthful and plate that we eat is a step towards recovering and this is something that i know is really hard to accept. We may never be truly recovered- the voices may always be there secretly in your head - but we need to learn that we are so much better than what our mind is telling us to do. WE have to be in control of our future, our eating disorder cannot control us anymore.  

So as you can tell my anorexia was a result of many different things and there are some other things which i have yet to mention (but this post is getting quite long!) and i may not have seen the start but i sure can hopefully see the end - a happier, healthy me who is stronger than ever and ready to love life again.

Welcome!

So this is my first post on my new blog!
Basically, this blog is set up by me to record my feelings, share my thoughts and hopefully/inspire anyone and everyone who is going through a similar situation.
I am 16 years old and i have anorexia. Everyday is a struggle and i know that there are so many people out there who are either silently suffering or are trying to get their life back on track. I'm not a professional and no where near recovered - in fact i am probably at my worst right now but i just really want to get to know and hopefully help some people.
I will just be posting day-to-day meals/thoughts so feel free to introduce yourself; i would love to get to know you all!

Thankyou for reading and taking the time to visit my blog,